I also am reflecting on my GRATEFUL heart for what has happened these past few months, not to mention these past few days. I will stick to the past few days...the time was drawing close in January to get Tanner's Missionary pictures taken, we had repeatedly asked Carlos Vera to take his pictures & every time he said YES! but when it came down to it, the plan would get canceled for one reason or another. This happened, maybe 3 times. We were getting emails from the Bishopric for Tanner's pic & favorite scripture. So I had checked with Jessica Paskett who took the kids pics a few years back, but she is too busy & unable to, so Tanner asked a friend, Abby Keenan, who takes great photos. Well, after getting the disc the other night, Mike, Tanner & I were all were not too impressed with the photos. They are good, but not great & I didn't feel that she brought out Tanner's true SMiLe! So the next morning, i go into his room & ask him what he thought of the pictures, he said they were okay, but he wasn't impressed. So I carefully ask him if he'd be willing to take the pictures again. And with the eyes rolling back into his head, he says NO! I asked one more time & still he said, NO! So I left it at that, PRAYING all day that he'd change his mind. I struggled with thinking I wouldn't have the GREAT pics I knew we could get, for this once in a lifetime chance!
Later Friday night, we (Bailey & I) hear him talking to Carlos on the phone & explaining the situation to him & his feeling stressed about getting them done, with or without him, then NOT liking the pictures. But it sounded like they had come to an agreement about trying once more. Saturday afternoon, while laying on the couch watching America Idol (trying to fall asleep, since I had been up since 4 am) in walks Carlos & Tanner, and a few minutes later, out walks Tanner from downstairs all dressed up, ready for pictures with Carlos. My heart was & has been full of gratitude EVER SINCE!!! Then after them taking pictures they returned to change, pick up some soccer clothes & head out to play a little. Carlos showed Madi & I just a few of the many he took. They looked SO Fantastic, I was SO excited & am so excited to see the finished project- but here is just one of the few he showed us & was excited to do so-
Carlos must've been pretty excited about it too, seeing he posted this on his cvera ig account.
Now, onto what I've been doing this morning since I was up at 4 am. My heart has been FULL of gratitude knowing so many things. Knowing that my son will be leaving in 17 days for the MTC, and will return a man. Knowing that my house & home will never be the same, knowing that my heart is so grateful for Tanner's heart softening enough that HE made arrangements with Carlos to retake his Missionary pictures. Knowing that instead I could be sitting here crying, not with happy tears, but with tears of sadness, that my son was wondering down the wrong path of life, that he was lost, that he was striving to find something that he already had. Knowing that it could be the other way around & I could be crying for his safety & him to find his way back to the straight and narrow path of the gospel. Grateful to know he's not perfect, but I LOVE him anyway! Peace be Still my heart
So this morning I came out into the kitchen to write down my thoughts, write in a journal entry. But it turned out that I wrote a letter to Tanner, a letter of love & gratitude for him in my life. I would like to share this letter, journal entry here, so that I might always remember the fullness of heart that I'm feeling right now, because I KNOW the next 2 years isn't only gonna be hard on Tanner, I think it's going to be hard for all of us who have had him in our lives the past 18 plus years. I truly LOVE him & LOVE all my kids. My heart is already breaking as the season change & the house grows more quietly.
Before I go on, I must try and remember the LOUD laughter, yelling & screaming til late last night as Tanner had Carlos, Brad & Stacia downstairs playing video games. I have missed the group of boys hanging out, the candy bowl being FULL one minute & the next it is almost empty. As Madi said just last night, I hate it when the boys come over, all the GOOD candy disappears! I will miss it, but am loving it now-
Letter/journal entry that I wrote to Tanner on Sunday, February 23rd 2014
My heart is so full inside, I awoke from a deep sleep & couldn't put my mind back at rest. I lay in bed the past couple of nights (early mornings) and think of how differently my life will be in just a matter of a few short weeks. For I know if I wasn't ever blessed with him in my life, oh how very different my life would be at this time. My heart is full of gratitude for him. Him who showed me what a selfless love could be. Him who opened up my heart to a beautiful little baby boy in my arms. So many things I would take back, if I could but so many things turned out right, right because He is where he is, because of those things, because of who was around him, because of his leaders, friends, family teachers & sisters. I remember Gma P being so willing to help with the cost of preschool, because he had so much energy, almost running around in circles. She finally got her way & we put him in Country Bear preschool. He grew physically, socially & enjoyed being there. Even in Nursery he would walk right in & had no problem being there, unlike many other kids who struggled to let their moms & dad's go, but not him- he would walk right in & acted as though he owned the place. I always wondered, why it was other kids- did they love their parents more? Did they do everything perfect & were the perfect parents & that's why it was so easy for him to let go of me so quickly? But I soon realized it wasn't that! I had raised my son (kids) to be independent! They KNEW I'd always be there for them, and I hope I gave them the strength to see their own potential for growth as they learned to go & do. My thoughts are of many times this young man became the man he is becoming. From walking into nursery & preschool without me, to teaching me to look beyond the Pepsi product & see what is really exciting in life! To stepping on the Soccer field and never giving up, even if others have given up, to being the YM in Mission Prep/PMG class who "WOW'S!" me with his knowledge of the gospel, his love for Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ & their plan for us. All these & many many more! He is the man that Heavenly Father wants him to be at this time. A man who confesses his mistakes, apologizes for them and finds peace again through his repentance & love for His Savior. The strength & conviction of what you have had to do over the past few months, has been inspiring! But then again I have always been impressed, & strengthened by your attitude towards yourself & others. Always striving to not say a bad word about anyone, even if others are complaining! I've always noticed that about him- I wish I could be more like him- maybe that is why he is the way he is? Better for whatever reason I will take it. He is joy in my heart <3 p="">
I am TRULY grateful to be sitting here writing this letter of my gratitude for your willingness to go & serve, and its not because my worry of what road you are headed down, the bad choices you are making etc. I am SO VERY PROUD of you & the little boy I raised that is becoming a man. I Love you forever, my baby you'll be. Mom
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